Wild Woman Gnostic

Yule/Christmas is fast approaching, and I have decided on what I call a “surf & turf” menu. Atlantic salmon, cornish game hen, mashed potatoes & gravy, green beans with slmond slivers and garnish, & cranberry sauce. I found some easy bake recipes for the meat, potatoes, and green beans that look absolutely delicious.

I look forward to having my own home where I can decorate to honor my spiritual heritage. Living in a non-spiritual household has become increasingly more difficult. My family does not understand my beliefs, though they can’t really say anything about it. There is a certain level of disapproval.

I have gotten to the point where I honestly don’t care what my family thinks about my “kooky” beliefs. I’ve come to realize that it is a waste of very precious energy to constantly seek the approval I will never receive.

I have my own ideas for my future, and at 51, I know my time is growing short. I want to write and publish 2 more books, I want to start a Gnostic circle, I want to have a house with a little land to grow my own produce. I want to live in a monastic community not tied to any church or temple.

I don’t want to crash through any glass ceiling. I don’t want to gain an obscene amount of wealth at the cost of my soul. I don’t want to lose sight of either my humanity or divinity.

There has been a simultaneous increase in my physical energy (think, a hummingbird on crack), and a desire to slow down enough to pursue an academic education (which would require much more mental, than physical, energy). I am a perpetual student. I love the smell of books. And i love making lists, spreadsheets, pros & cons list. In fact, I am plotting out my next book in list format (for now).

I’ll be heading to the local bookstore tomorrow. It’s hard to find anything outside a Catholic/Christian bookstore, and one of the best Catholic stores in town is out of business. Did a quick online search yesterday of the type of books i was looking for. Hardly any available in store.  I think I’ll just see what there is when I get there.

08/17/2025

Found some awesome books, including a translation of the Gnostic Gospels, but nothing on the Stations of the Cross. I had to have that shipped to my house. The Gnostic section was quite sparse with only a few copies of Elaine Pagels’ Beyond Belief and a small section of other books discussing the Gnostic Gospels. While the books I did purchase have some fascinating information, I was hoping to have some liturgy on the Stations of  the Cross. Even the number of the NAB was pretty sparse in comparison to the number of KJV bibles.

I have started plotting out the new book, which will focus on the woman known as Veronica, who wiped the sweat and blood from Jesus’ face (the 6th Station). The AI image i currently have as my profile pic is a representation of her as the Jewish equivalent of a vestal virgin.

I am still deciding on the format. Right now, the only thing I’m certain of is that it will be in the first person.

I know in a recent post (since deleted) I said mainstream college wasn’t for me. But after wrestling with some hard truths about myself, i decided that my goal was teo-fold: find part-time work where my talents and gifts could be fully realized, and return to college, albeit part-time, as long as I was in school.

There is also the matter of my elderly father, my cats, and a house already paid for. There are monthly and yearly bills to take care of and one full-time job should be enough to pay for all that…but it isnt.

In recent years, I’ve had this deep desire to move, whether to Salem, OR; or Columbus, OH – I even considered moving to New Zealand. But all this stemmed from what I can only describe as systematic, long-term spiritual attacks from some unknown source.

Nightmares, apparitions appearing outside my house, several of my cats dying in my yard, or in the street, either through poison or being run over. It felt like someone was trying to drive me away. I even had a spirit with malicious intent stalking me in my own bedroom. And I was just so fucking exhausted.

But then, I got some advice from different quarters, all of it the same. Stay close to home. Save your money. Now, the spirit in my bedroom is gone, driven out by a very protective one. The apparitions outside my house come no further than the end of my driveway.

I’ve been casting my net into different professional arenas and approaching my education from a different angle. After wrestling with two B.A. degrees of interest (English – Creative Writing/Art History), I finally decided on art history. Less pre-requisite courses, which means it can be completed more quickly.

The summer months can be my creative time. The story of Veronica is a fascinating one, and I am finding so much inspiration there. I am also researching self-publishing platforms and have decided to publish only e-books for the time being.  I am hoping that one of these platforms will start making me money soon. It will help in paying for school.

I have been neglectful of my writing for the last several months. In fact, I think it’s safe to say I’ve written more in the last few weeks than in the last year. Between familial obligations and an office job that filled me with a sort of mental and emotional exhaustion that I couldn’t seem to overcome.

In the last year, three cats and three good friends have died. Every job i have applied for in the last several months have all rejected my applications. It’s hard not to feel a bit melancholy, even pessimistic about life in general.

So I turned to journaling and blogging, even entertaining writing and publishing another book. I finally decided on the subject matter. I had previously written and published one book, failing miserably, as I had not done my due diligence in researching the best form of publishing or marketing.

It was titled Mother of Peace and was published by Mascot Books in 2014 under my real name, Carol Klavon. I wrote a fictional account of Jesus’ ministry and crucifixion from the perspective of the most unlikely witness: Salome.

In my new book, I will look at the shattered faith of another female witness, who, in Catholic tradition, is known as Veronica. At the 6th Station of the Cross, she rushed from the crowd to wipe the sweat and blood from Jesus’ face. I see a connection between her and “the women of Jerusalem” at the 8th Station of the Cross.

I am doing extensive research right now and have come across some fantastic sources online. And I have my own sources within my private library.  And if I don’t have it, I know how to find it. I’m glad I decided to focus on my writing. I’m feeling invigorated.

It’s very difficult to explain my beliefs. While my spiritual beliefs & practices follow sort of all-purpose version of Gnosticism, I also celebrate the solstices and equinoxes much in the same manner as my Pagan ancestors did. I also cast circle much in the same way modern Wiccans do. Wicca was my first religion, and there are some practices that blend nicely with the more “Christian” ones.

One of the areas I blend these two systems is acknowledging the Shekinah as the Mother of us all, and the various goddesses, such as Hekate, Bastet, or Gaia, are some of her emanations. It is how She interacts with us humans, depending on beliefs and culture.

For instance, Ostara was a prominent figure on my altar during the Spring Equinox. When Summer Solstice rolled around, she was teplaced by Hestia, and so on. I have very beautiful goddess statues tucked away for future celebrations.

One of my favorite aspects of the Shekinah in Gnostic tradition is the Nigraine Sophia (Black/Dark Wisdom). I don’t think it is coincidence that a concept in science shares the name: Dark Matter. The word matter comes from the Latin mater, which means mother. Dark Matter, Black Mother. Even the attributes of Dark Matter align with what both Pagans and Gnostics believe about the Goddess. Both cannot be seen or measured by any known means. What you do find is a signature trail that shows where both have been. Eternal, self-perpetuation, encases and dwells within all things in the cosmos.

I love looking for the innumerable images of her in human history. Stone, wood, mosaic, cloth, clay, etc. From the Neolithic statues we call the Venuses of Waldendorf, to the colorful mosaics of Byzanthium, we are always trying to convey what we know is impossible to convey.

Goals:

• Research the Qumran text (Dead Sea scrolls)
• Work on format for my own Magdalene circle
• Research ways to get writing published (blogs, vlogs, self-publishing, etc.)
• Establish Magdalene circle
• start garden with fruits, vegetables, and herbs

These are the most basic goals that I am hoping to achieve in 7 years. I have already started on the first three, the remaining goals will take a little longer.

You may be wondering about the title of this post: “Urban Monastic.” Its a term coined by the members of The Holy Order of the Magdalene, A Gnostic holy order I currently belong to. As monasticism becomes something quaint and infeasible in our modern capitalistic system, many people, like myself, have begun to look inward for the citadel of the heart.

Monasticism can no longer be so narrowly defined as a community cut off from the world. The monasteries of the Middle Ages proved that impossible. But with high speed internet, video chats, and a deepening interest in the monastic life, it is easier to establish such communities, though the members are far-flung, and speak many different languages. Love is the universal language that brings them together.